Like Christmas is the Big Payoff for kids, Valentine’s Day is the big pay off for (not single) girls. No girl wants to be caught dead, or alive, alone on Valentine’s day. I mean, some girls even start a rinky-dink relationship just for the day.
I know that some guys break up with their girlfriends so they don’t have to buy gifts. So, ladies, if he broke up with you, he didn’t mean it! He’s just a cheap jerk who needs to be taught an expensive lesson. Make him pay for it on St. Patrick’s Day—yet another saint who gets a day of partying and foolishness.
A typical Valentine’s day, for me, starts off pretty normal.
I, like most girls of all shapes and sizes, rise early on St. Valentine’s special day of celebration eager to reap the benefits of not-singleness. That’s right single ladies–eat your heart out. I’m getting a gift today, sucka.
But, what is it going to be? Am I going to get breakfast in bed? You know, I like turkey bacon with my eggs scrambled with Cheese. And he knows I love french toast with my bacons–because who eats only one bacon?
Oh my God! It’s super late. I missed breakfast–gotta run to work. Let’s meet up for lunch today. We can do some thing special.
I love yooooou.
What am I gonna get? Cake, candy, flowers, chocolates, trinkets…all of these things the media brainwashes us to desire. The cost is no matter. I know I’ll love it because I didn’t have to go to the store, stand in line, and buy the chocolates that I should have my Valentine buying. I mean come on, when girls buy chocolate the judgment starts.
OMG is she on her period?
Awwww, she’s buying her own chocolates?
Wow, she must have money is she’s Godiva-ing for no reason?
Quit judging me people! I LIKE CHOCOLATE.
Anyway. Lunch time comes and goes. No one says a word except the usual catch up, trivial conversation mess. I don’t have TIME for that stuff right now? WHERE ARE MY GIFTS?!
Okay, okay, okay. I’ll just wait until dinner.
Maybe there is a romantic evening planned. Dinner and a movie? Yeah, I like movies. Comedies make me laugh. Nobody wants to see a stupid romance novel on the $10-a-ticket-$5-for-popcorm-just-so-I-can-see-the building sized TV screen.
But, it’s Valentine’s Day.
I’ll just take whatever I’m given. It’s free and if I don’t have an awesome Valentine’s Day every girl on the planet will judge me.
But, oh wait!
Nothing. I get nothing. This is turning out to be the worst Valentine’s Day ever. The WORST. Why doesn’t anybody love me? Forget the saints who were martyred on this day—all named Valentino (true story!). I’m dying here! Even St. Valentino gave his homegirl a Valentine the day he died (true speculation!). And, I’m getting nothing. NOTHING!
Do I have to wait until you die now? How long is that going to be? Maybe I’ll just kill you to make you see what you were missing!
Oh, the world is endinggggggggg!!!!!
Nobody asked you, Eden. You could’ve been a better Valentine, punk!